weissblog

Since Amanda left me back in July, I’ve been given all sorts of advice (and ignored pretty much all of it). But one thing a lot of people have told me is that I need to find me. Find the person I was before Amanda. Find the person I am without Amanda. Find the person God wants me to be. Well, I wasn’t sure how to go about doing that. Those who know me, know I want a formula or equation for everything. But no one could provide a formula for how to find myself.

But over these last few months I’ve noticed a number of changes. The last week or so I’ve been thinking about the difference between the me now and the me four months ago. All my core values are still the same. I still believe in being honest, both to myself and to others. I still try to help out others where I can. I still try to be considerate. That said, I don’t find myself working so hard to make people happy. I’m not working as hard to been seen as ‘good’; not spending as much time trying to be perfect; not giving anywhere near as much consideration to what others think. Rather, I find that I’m being real. If someone is full of crap, I find myself readily telling them so rather than trying to be nice. And to heck with what others think.

This realization puzzled me. Why the change? I realize that, for the most part, I am slowly reverting back to how I acted before Amanda. But why did I change in the first place. Why was I so driven to try and be perfect when Amanda was here but not so much now? Those of you who have known both of us for a long time, you probably aren’t going to like the conclusion I reached. I think the reason I worked so hard to try and be the best person I could be was because, at a base level, I never felt like I deserved Amanda. When we met she struck me as such a sweet, innocent soul that I felt that I wasn’t worthy of her. Because I was far from sweet or innocent back then. So for our entire sixteen year marriage, I was always trying to be better. I was always trying to earn her love. I think that’s why I overlooked all the lies, affairs, and general selfishness that was Amanda. Who was I to complain? I was just happy she was willing to stay with me and occasionally love me. Though I’m not sure if she ever loved me for me or if she loved me for what I could do for her (e.x. she never left or threatened to leave when she was a housewife, only when I made her get a job and work). But at this point I guess that’s irrelevant.

It’s sort of ironic, that in her leaving (and many times over the years) Amanda complained that she never felt that she could reveal her true self to me because she was afraid I would not accept her. But because of my efforts to hide myself, my insecurities, from her, I would have accepted anything she said or did. Honestly, the only times I ever really objected to any of her actions was when I was concerned about the example she was setting for our daughters. And no matter how many times she says it never tried to control her. I never prohibited her from doing anything.

I want to pause here and make one thing very clear. Amanda and I both made mistakes and we both share in the blame for this marriage failing. Since Amanda left, a lot of people have had a field day judging her and blaming everything on her and that’s not even realistic. Yes, she gave up first. But, in the end, we both gave up. Got it? Good. Moving on…

For years I’ve had friends and family (both mine and hers) tell me that I deserved better. That I was too good for her. But I never believed it. Only now am I starting to realize that what they said is probably right. But even now, I can’t totally accept it. But with each passing day I’m getting there.

So what do these changes mean for those who know me? For those who knew me back in high school (i.e. the last time i was single) you might have a few flashbacks. But hopefully not too many. And, honestly, most of my church friends are probably going to be displeased with some of these changes. Feel free to pray for me (Lord knows I need it). But realize that a good deal of the soul searching I’ve been doing is a direct result of someone at the church saying I could no longer be a youth leader because my helping out a friend didn’t ‘look good’. Seriously? From here on out, I’m focusing on making my actions line up as best I can to what Jesus said and did and if some misguided local church big wig as a problem with it, tough.

I’ve always had big plans in life and that hasn’t changed. God put me here for a reason and I will find and fulfill my purpose. But I’m going to change the world my way. No more letting a wife tell me how to do it. No more letting church leaders who are more concerned with appearance than actions, with reputation than love, tell me how to do it. God laid out the plans for my life and I will do my best to follow wherever He leads me. Even if He leads me back to where I already am and tells me to pray more (which has been known to happen).

In closing I leave two bits of advice (as much for my own reference as for anyone else):

1. Take off the masks. We all wear ‘em. We all pretend. Stop it. Be real. If people don’t like you, that’s their problem.
2. Your emotions can and will lie to you. Don’t ignore them, but don’t automatically believe them either. ALWAYS control them or they will control you.